Sibling's Grief

Jacob is seven and Macayla's little brother. She died on May 22 and it is now August 10th. He has not cried or had any emotional outburst about Macayla yet. We have been concerned that he may be repressing his emotions. But a hospice counselor who has been working with Jacob gave us some encouragement and some signs to look for:

If Jacob were to react strongly and negatively every time Macayla was mentioned (like run out of the room screaming) then we might have a problem.

If Jacob just shut down and would not get out of bed or have difficulty functioning for no apparent reason, we might have a problem.

If Jacob simply acted as though he was not hearing us when we speak about Macayla, then we might have a problem. (At times, I think he has mildly displayed this, but nothing troubling yet. Usually, he speaks very matter-of-fact about Macayla)

Further, we have to be on the look out for regression in skills and behavior. He may be unable to perform tasks that were non-issues before Macayla passed. He may not perform well academically. He may start having obedience problems at home and school.

Fortunately, we have witnessed none of this to speak of yet. School starts in a week for him. But the counselor reminded us that he has been preparing for this time just like us. He has grieved along the way also. We cannot stress enough to parents how important it is to allow a counselor into your life and your child's life when they are facing the loss of a loved one, especially a sibling. We, of course, recommend a counselor who has a Christ-centered worldview, but not everyone shares that stance. Seeking counsel is wise and healthy because there are just somethings we are not meant to do alone. Hospice organizations, such as the one that has served us, often have counselors on staff and some specialize in children.

We have also learned to be straightforward and honest with Jacob's questions. Often adults try to shield the children when they ask about death, dying, caskets, etc. Children seem to do better when we are up front about it all. Granted, they don't necessarily need every detail of the death process, but speaking clearly and using consistent words will help. We typically use the word "died" instead of "passed away" for instance. We have explained the disease to him and the death process when it was happening. We also spoke about what happens after death and the funeral, casket, burial, etc. Be clear, simple and open. That is the advice we have been given.